[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
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Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
my dad has had enough
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant