If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
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My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*