8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
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When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.