If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
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*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.