Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
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Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.