Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
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I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
<—- homeless romantic
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.