I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
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Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.