GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms