In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
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Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
I think the cat got the dog high.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My Guy
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.