According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
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[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
you stereotypes are all alike
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.