A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
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When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Meowchelangelo
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.