“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
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Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
My first child will be named New Folder.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.