Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
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I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.