you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
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I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.