I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
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*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?