Alexa, make me look good naked.
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The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’