Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
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I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I can fix him.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word