“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
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Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My teenage children choosing violence
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]