Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
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here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.