Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
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*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time