My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
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me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
i think both sides are to blame here
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒