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I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*