The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
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The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.