Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
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A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
opening a flower shop called women in stem
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*