I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
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My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I like crazy people until they notice me
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.