I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
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Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit