When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
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“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!