who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
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Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot