Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
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Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?