I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
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“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Got ya covered
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.