I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
You Might Also Like
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Did…did a minotaur write this
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup