°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
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If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew