[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
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Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
So the ex texted me
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)