The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
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BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!