Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
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Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Finished stitching this today 😇
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?