GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
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It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call