Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
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Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”