I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
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ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
At least my masseuse has my back.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
The Sun’s probably Asian.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
WWE is French for “yes”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.