me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
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do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
why isn’t he texting back
This kid is going places
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV