I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
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Best mom ever 😂
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
A short story of betrayal:
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.