Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
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Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell