(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
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i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
what are they serving at kfc then???
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park