Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Godspeed, John Glenn
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.