Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
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can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?