Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
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I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
You have been warned.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.