People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
PARKOUR