Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
You Might Also Like
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]