‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
You Might Also Like
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.