My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
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SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?