My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
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If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Carpe DM
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.